Posted on 10 September 2015 - 10:02 PM

Ok here it is
Help me
Michael Oher was born in Memphis, Tennessee in May 1986. His father was a conventional at the local prison and his mother was a drug addict. He was one of twelve children. Because of this he reiterated first and second grade and switched schools 11 times in just 9 years. He was put in foster care at age seven and often switched foster homes. The periods in between foster homes he was often homeless.
He played football his freshman year at a public high school. He additionally applied for Briarcrest Christian School with the avail of Tony Henderson, whose son was additionally being enrolled in the school. The public school football coach, Hugh Freeze personally submitted the application to the headmaster, who verbally expressed that if Oher consummated a home study program he would accept him. He didn't culminate it, but, upon realizing Ohers position accepted him.
Oher was conclusively adopted in 2004 by Leigh Anne and Sean Tuohy, who had two children in Briarcrest. They were the impeccable family and Oher fit right in. They showed their love and devotion by hiring a tutor to avail him for 20 hours a week.
Michael Oher was projected as one of the top prospects for the NFL 2008 draft. The Baltimore Ravens drafted Oher with the 23rd pick in the first round of the draft. The Ravens managed to snag the pick from the New England Patriots in exchange for their first and fifth round draft picks. He was assigned Jersey Number 72 April 26, 2009, after signing a 13.8 million dollar contract for 5 years. He commenced his NFL vocation as left tackle, but, after causing an injury to Jared Gaither was peregrinate to right tackle. During 2009, he played 11 games as right tackle and 5 as left. His post season game against the New England Patriots ended up as 33-14 and Oher did not sanction a single sack.
On March 14, 2014, he signed a 20 million, four-year contract with the Tennessee Titans. After playing 11 games, he was placed on injured reserve because of a toe injury. He was rated the 74th best tackle out of 78 by Pro Football Focus. He was relinquished shortly after on February 5th, 2015.
On March 6th, 2015 Michael Oher signed a seven million dollar contract for two years with the Carolina Panthers. Going into this season he will be starting as left tackle.
Albeit Michael Oher commenced life with a plethora of hardships, he powered through and grew up to be a very prosperous football player.

Posted on 10 September 2015 - 10:45 PM

Automatically Deleted

Posted on 10 September 2015 - 11:05 PM

Posted on 10 September 2015 - 11:51 PM

The word "additionally" really does not work here.

Posted on 11 September 2015 - 12:20 AM

You should combine those two sentences to make the flow of your essay much nicer. Also, don't use the word reiterated in that second sentence because you're using the word wrong. Don't always rush to substitute more complicated words into sentences. The most important aspect of an essay is clarity. An essay that can express a message clearly and concisely is much better than an essay that has big words in it, especially when said words are not used correctly. Good luck.

Posted on 11 September 2015 - 05:17 PM

@SmellyPenguin @Mr_Bloxley
Thanks, guys.
I made the changes and took your advice and i ended up getting a 95.
11/10 Badlion best place for essay help

Posted on 11 September 2015 - 05:36 PM

-snip-

Posted on 11 September 2015 - 05:36 PM

To me this doesn't sound right.

Same here, maybe edit it to be like "One of his tackles was rated the 74th best tackle out of 78 by Pro Football Focus."

Same here again. Saying "Michael Oher commenced life" out loud just does not sound right to me.
@johnnyk99
It might sound right to you but when I say those out loud I get confused by it.
I hope I helped you in a way :D.

Posted on 11 September 2015 - 06:11 PM

@newname643583541
Thanks man

Posted on 13 September 2015 - 12:29 PM

I skimmed the whole thing and carefully your first and second paragraphs. All in all, it doesn't really read like an essay. The essay sounds like a list of sentences put together into small paragraphs. And honestly, a lot of these sentences can be stringed together to make better ones. You also tend to use words that don't fit in their context, presumably because you used a thesaurus; reiterate and consummate (lol) are a couple of examples. Something else to note is that you're missing a lot of filler information. There's no link between your first and second paragraph, and I'm confused as to how Oher suddenly got into high school, as your last sentence mentions him being in and out of foster homes and being homeless. I'm not telling you to give me an essay that talks about everything that he did in life. From the way it looks, you're writing about Oher's difficulties and how he overcame them. You need to create an emphasis on that topic. You mention it only once, and that's in the conclusory sentence. You don't really have a topic sentence at all, and you need one to engage the reader and give them an idea of what you're talking about. I can't figure out your theme by looking at your paper, and that's a problem. As the author, you have to make that clear to me from the beginning. You're not talking about Oher's life itself, but rather about how Oher came to become a star — how he overcame his hardships.

>After playing 11 games, he was placed on injured reserve because of a toe injury.
>He was relinquished shortly after on February 5th, 2015.

These are two sentences that don't fit in there, since they don't relate to the topic you're writing about. I don't want to know about all that, I want to know about how he went from being homeless to a famous football player. Here are a few questions that I want answered: How did he get into high school? How did he suddenly get involved with the NFL? How did he come to be adopted by that family?

Take the time and edit this yourself, because I might accidentally edit it to the point where it's not going to look like your own work. Good luck!

edit: oh whoops i guess i was too late

Posted on 13 September 2015 - 12:37 PM

Posted on 13 September 2015 - 12:41 PM

it;s ok i still taught him how to be a better writer
now shhh